The cloud of depression.

If there was one thing in this world, I was afraid of, it was falling back into depression. That fear consumed me, the paranoia of everything that I would lose again. The career that you worked so hard on lost overnight. The people that you shutout vanished. Each time it happened you pulled yourself up and re-invented yourself. A new you, a new place, a new job, new friends, new hair but always something missing.

It took me a long time to understand what was missing. I was so consumed with the fear of losing everything again that it controlled me. What was the point in wanting when if you got it, it could be gone overnight? Then it happened, I fell back into a deep depression, but this story isn’t about that, it is about what happened next.

It was eye opening. I was able to feel excited.

The gray skies in my head started to clear the clouds parted and that cloud of depression changed into a rainbow of hope. Trust in friends and family, excitement for what is to come next, but most importantly, that I’m allowed to want, and that I deserve to want more.

Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day #BellLetsTalk get in the conversation.

For those of you that know someone that deals with depression. It is something that takes a lot of energy to get through, but it can also be a blessing. Surrounded by the right people and by getting the correct help, depression has helped me remove the things that were useless. I said goodbye clutter in my life, like the career I never really wanted or the people that drained me. What I’m left with is a bubble of people that are motivating, they make me a better person and that gives me the worth to want more.

 

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Social anxiety and social media contests

The last few weeks a lot of people haven’t heard much from me. Mostly because I qualified for a chance of a lifetime. The chance to be Andre Akkari’s Protege. If I am picked as his protege I would win private training from him, tickets into 3 wcoop events including the main event. Plus, the protege that makes the most money playing those tickets will win a PCA package.

Step 1 – Come in the top two of his qualifier MTTs

Step 2 – Create a video as to why he should pick you.

Now, this is way out of my comfort zone. Over the last two weeks I have debated not doing the video. Mostly because my anxiety. As silly as it sounds. I don’t really like people seeing me, rather the thought of being judged, I guess. So why did I torture myself to finish the video and upload it. Simple, the opportunity is too good to not try and my fear is illogical.

It isn’t winning or losing because I’ve already won.

I’ve already conquered one of my biggest fears. Will I be doing video blogs anytime soon. Hell no, but just a few months ago someone asked me to do a video endorsement for them and I had to say no. The thought of being seen made me feel sick. Only time will tell how I feel once people actually watch the video.

Another win was because I was working on this video I learned a new program, after effects. I could have paid someone about $15 an hour to help me using a freelancer site, it would have looked much better but I wouldn’t have done it myself.

The rest is up to André and Pokerstars if I make it to the next step.

Here is the sneak preview.