The cloud of depression.

If there was one thing in this world, I was afraid of, it was falling back into depression. That fear consumed me, the paranoia of everything that I would lose again. The career that you worked so hard on lost overnight. The people that you shutout vanished. Each time it happened you pulled yourself up and re-invented yourself. A new you, a new place, a new job, new friends, new hair but always something missing.

It took me a long time to understand what was missing. I was so consumed with the fear of losing everything again that it controlled me. What was the point in wanting when if you got it, it could be gone overnight? Then it happened, I fell back into a deep depression, but this story isn’t about that, it is about what happened next.

It was eye opening. I was able to feel excited.

The gray skies in my head started to clear the clouds parted and that cloud of depression changed into a rainbow of hope. Trust in friends and family, excitement for what is to come next, but most importantly, that I’m allowed to want, and that I deserve to want more.

Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day #BellLetsTalk get in the conversation.

For those of you that know someone that deals with depression. It is something that takes a lot of energy to get through, but it can also be a blessing. Surrounded by the right people and by getting the correct help, depression has helped me remove the things that were useless. I said goodbye clutter in my life, like the career I never really wanted or the people that drained me. What I’m left with is a bubble of people that are motivating, they make me a better person and that gives me the worth to want more.

 

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The Start of A Better Me

My emotions have evened out and I am getting back on track. In fact, I’m better than on track. I’m motivated. One of the things that I am told a lot is that I work harder for everyone else than I do for myself and without having someone that needs help I tend to get lost. I’m not talking about things I get paid to do. I’m talking about favors. What people don’t grasp is that people that help people, do it all the time and it is exhausting and not exclusive to their one request.

I remember every single time I’ve lost it on someone at work. One time I was at work and an account supervisor came into the studio with a request at 4:30 that they wanted done that night. After saying no, which is something I didn’t normally do, He went over my head to my boss who came out asked me to figure out a way to get it done. I was on salary, meaning I didn’t get paid past 5pm so what I was doing was basically a favor. When I passed off the work around 9pm to him, he said to me it is only one night. I was furious! I looked him straight in the eye and said “For you it is only one night. You only work for one client. I work with every client that passes through this agency. Don’t you think the same thing happened yesterday at 5 and will again tomorrow at 5 with a different account rep? Today was the day I took a stance and it didn’t work out for me.” That was also the day I knew I wanted to quit my first full time job. I wish I had, but I didn’t. The economy was really bad at the time, friends and family said I needed to find a new job before you quit. I never had time to look for a new job, I was too busy doing all these favors. Had I quit when my mind told me to, I would still have the drive I had at the time. My life goals would have been easier to achieve.

Instead, I waited until I needed to quit because I was broken and all my drive was gone.
My last job was also in Advertising. The only reason I quit that job was because I don’t have a passion for advertising and I didn’t want to live my life repeating the same mistakes over and over.

My goal is simple, I want to be the girl I was before I got sick. The girl that was extremely driven. I know she is with me, it is just a matter of time before I’m back hitting my full potential. Finding the me I want to be has been hard. I get small glimpses here and there and I have hope that soon I will be on top of my game.

I went to my first woman’s only kickboxing class today. What was amazing about this class and gym was the atmosphere. Everyone at the H2o MMA was working on their own personal goals yet the minute you entered you felt like you were on a team. I am going to be committing myself to going to this class twice a week for the next 3 months to help me towards my fitness goals. I will continue taking the trampoline fitness class once a week, just to mix things up a bit. This is a step in the right direction. Taking these classes will help me to be motivated and build confidence. Those two ingredients will make achieving my life goals easier.

I have also been working on my poker goals and I think they are going well, I will update on that soon.