Oh, how I failed, but succeeded at the same time.

I’ve never been the type of person that spent a long time looking in the mirror. In fact, I pretty much avoided it as much as I can.

In 2010 I was incredibly thin. Thin does not always equal healthy and I wasn’t healthy. My anxiety and depression had made me stop eating for days at a time and I was also constantly sick to my stomach. During this time period I was unable to look in the mirror, so I didn’t even know how thin I was.

When I final tabled the Ladies event in 2012, I remember watching an interview of myself and thinking, that isn’t me. They had to of stretched me. Not long after I was at a wedding and I saw another photo that I didn’t recognize myself in. I couldn’t believe how much weight I had gained. At this point I missed my old workout buddy Tina and my old trainer.

It happens to all of us… We wake up one morning and step on the scale. We look down and our stomach turns. We hit our peak weight. We talk to our closest friends and admit the hard truth, have never weighed this much in our lives. Not sure how it even happened.

I’ve lost over 20lbs since moving to Montreal, I’ve changed my lifestyle completely. My favorite food was Pizza, now it is crab stuffed zucchini.  I use to be able to do 2 dozen shots and be “Everyone Loves Drunk Lesley”. Now I have one drink and am “Everyone Loves a Cheaper Drunk Lesley.” It has taken me until 32 years of age to truly see myself when I look in the mirror, but I can now. It isn’t just about losing the weight I gained, it is way more than that. I’ve forgiven myself for failing.

A few months ago I had a slight breakdown. I had taken a test that was to pinpoint my strengths. My results were in a transition stage.  I have spent so much of my life trying to make the people around me happy that it was impossible for me to be. I had made that mistake before and I was doing it again and again. This test was a wake up call for me.  I still had it in my head that who I use to be, was who I needed to get back to being. That didn’t work for me the first time, so why was I putting so much pressure on myself to be her again?

So how are my posted goals for the year going… supernova with $100 bankroll—FAIL. I busted that $100, Be more social—Double FAIL, I’ve only gone out about 2 or 3 times this year. What I didn’t fail at were the important ones. I’ve been eating healthy, following a workout plan and working on my fears. I’m still working on PLO, and have a few coaching sessions to help put me back on the right track. As for going out more and being more social, I can’t really answer why I want that. It is just one of those things that I feel I am weird because I don’t want to. What I do want to do is spend time on my projects that I had put on hold, so that is what I’m going to do.

Finally, back to my true love. Poker… WPT is back in Montreal, April, so I’ll be hitting up Playground to play one or two side events. I’m also setting up my Vegas trip for June. And for the love of the poker gods, please let me not lose 39bbs per 100 in the next 20000 PLO hands.

5 thoughts on “Oh, how I failed, but succeeded at the same time.

  1. Howie

    Thanks for sharing. I read your ups and downs and relate to much. Poker has become a hobby for me now. With the decision to not pursue it as a career came some relief of personal fails in the game. Still making some $ at the home games. Not playing any online, Perhaps if the USA would relax its legal stance I might play some more online. Be the dead money you pros would like back in the game, lol. Good luck in the WPT and hope you Vegas trip goes smooth this year.



    1. nutbreaker Post author

      Thanks Howie, Great to hear from you! LOL at dead money and “you” pros. I’m far from that. Almost all the money I’ve made in poker has been from live games, online poker for me is my education. 🙂


  2. Tino

    Was sorry to read about the SN challenge. I tried once to build a roll from playing speed poker on William Hill and blew the $50 I deposited there, still the only roll I have ever busted, which is a success in itself.

    Slowly falling out of love with the game these days as PS goes down the drain and friends move on to other things. As for being sociable, pfffft, gave up on that score a long time ago, either take me for who I am or not at all.

    Best of luck come the WPT, look forward to reading about your exploits. Say hi to Chris please, take care.


  3. ThePokerSolution

    I think people like you and posts like this are what keep other poker people going. Not a fantastical success story, nothing sugarcoated, just a regular person, with her own struggles and achievements to which we can all relate. Glad I found your blog 🙂



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