The Start of A Better Me

My emotions have evened out and I am getting back on track. In fact, I’m better than on track. I’m motivated. One of the things that I am told a lot is that I work harder for everyone else than I do for myself and without having someone that needs help I tend to get lost. I’m not talking about things I get paid to do. I’m talking about favors. What people don’t grasp is that people that help people, do it all the time and it is exhausting and not exclusive to their one request.

I remember every single time I’ve lost it on someone at work. One time I was at work and an account supervisor came into the studio with a request at 4:30 that they wanted done that night. After saying no, which is something I didn’t normally do, He went over my head to my boss who came out asked me to figure out a way to get it done. I was on salary, meaning I didn’t get paid past 5pm so what I was doing was basically a favor. When I passed off the work around 9pm to him, he said to me it is only one night. I was furious! I looked him straight in the eye and said “For you it is only one night. You only work for one client. I work with every client that passes through this agency. Don’t you think the same thing happened yesterday at 5 and will again tomorrow at 5 with a different account rep? Today was the day I took a stance and it didn’t work out for me.” That was also the day I knew I wanted to quit my first full time job. I wish I had, but I didn’t. The economy was really bad at the time, friends and family said I needed to find a new job before you quit. I never had time to look for a new job, I was too busy doing all these favors. Had I quit when my mind told me to, I would still have the drive I had at the time. My life goals would have been easier to achieve.

Instead, I waited until I needed to quit because I was broken and all my drive was gone.
My last job was also in Advertising. The only reason I quit that job was because I don’t have a passion for advertising and I didn’t want to live my life repeating the same mistakes over and over.

My goal is simple, I want to be the girl I was before I got sick. The girl that was extremely driven. I know she is with me, it is just a matter of time before I’m back hitting my full potential. Finding the me I want to be has been hard. I get small glimpses here and there and I have hope that soon I will be on top of my game.

I went to my first woman’s only kickboxing class today. What was amazing about this class and gym was the atmosphere. Everyone at the H2o MMA was working on their own personal goals yet the minute you entered you felt like you were on a team. I am going to be committing myself to going to this class twice a week for the next 3 months to help me towards my fitness goals. I will continue taking the trampoline fitness class once a week, just to mix things up a bit. This is a step in the right direction. Taking these classes will help me to be motivated and build confidence. Those two ingredients will make achieving my life goals easier.

I have also been working on my poker goals and I think they are going well, I will update on that soon.

Advertisement

Everything You Do Can Lead To Something New.

The other day I took my first trampoline fitness class at Rebound Fitness. I was a little early and walked into this big loft building looking extremely lost. As I stared at the building directory trying to figure out where I was suppose to be a man stopped and asked me if I what company I was looking for. When I told him he told me that he showed me where my class was and told me that he was the owner of H2O MMA and they have a kickboxing class that I might be interested in and should come for the free session.

I actually did take one class about a year ago, but the pace was way too fast and I was extremely intimidated as most of the class was filled with guys that use that class as a part of their routine. I told him I would still come and check it out after my class.

The trampoline class was amazing. If you have ever taken a Power class before that is what this was but with a mix of the trampoline for added cardio. I was pretty nasty sweaty by the end of the class and still committed myself to skipping the bus and taking that 30 minute walking home. On the way out of class I went down and peeked in the H2O MMA gym. This place looked amazing. I wrote down the website.

On my walk home it got dark really fast. I had to cross train tracks that I don’t even remember crossing on my way to the class. I walked up to the flashing red lights and waited for the train to finish crossing. It seemed like an hour, I started to feel a little nervous as it hit me that I probably shouldn’t have been walking home that late at night alone.

When I got home, I took a look at the website.

“Women’s Only Kickboxing Bootcamp workouts are the best around at H2O Gym Montreal. Whether you want to learn self-defense, lose weight, improve cardio & fitness, or just sculpt your body, this class will do it for you. This is a safe, friendly, non-competitive class, designed for beginners, where learning and supporting each others goals is always #1.”

Add another class to my schedule. I am sold! Not only am I sold I am really excited about this class.

Had I not signed up for that trampoline class, I would have never come across the kickboxing class. Who knows what that kickboxing class will lead me to. Worst case I wasted an hour on something I don’t like or I make new friends, lose some weight while learning how to protect myself. After that, my new kickboxing class could lead to something else… Maybe Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu?

Most Roller Coasters Go Down Before They Even Out.

When you get on a roller coaster you put your hands up in the air and scream as the coaster drops down the steep hills at lightning speed. Logically, when you think about it, you stand in line, watch the roller coaster go by you 10 times before it is your turn. You don’t scream because you are scared, you know what is going to happen, you scream because that is considered a normal reaction and you are told that you should feel scared because everyone in front of you felt that way.

The last few weeks I felt numb, alone and misunderstood. The hardest part about feeling this way is seeing and talking to people. I know that people can’t tell how I feel by looking at me. The truth is my eyes give it away, the shade of blue is more prominent, the glaze from covering up feelings. I receive the most compliments on my eyes when I am actually at my worst. I once recall guy working at Starbucks almost dropping my coffee while telling me how beautiful my eyes were. I don’t even like coffee nor normally drink it. I just ordered it because that is what everyone else does and I needed something to make me feel normal.

This isn’t the worst I’ve felt, but I do remember the last time I felt this way.  It was during my first trip to Vegas. During that roller coaster I ended up spending 1k on face products. Sure the ingredients did included gold. I don’t normally use most of those products, but I’m told I should be that it is normal for women my age to spend money on face products that help keep me looking young.

I felt horrible the last few weeks, but still tried to keep some kind of routine. I have been getting to bed by 2 am where normally I am up until 3 or 4 am. I’ve gone for my walks and done my workout routine. I went to the movies and over to friends’ houses. Really just tried to continue doing the things that are said to help make me feel normal. Then finally it happened. Last night I spent hours searching the web for things to keep me busy. When I was on antidepressants, I would wake up with a high feeling. It felt like my brain waves were trying to get back in order.  Today I woke up with that same feeling so I’m hoping this roller coaster ride is coming to an end, instead of taking another lap. The first thing I did was register for a lot of the things I looked up last night. Why? Because when I was a child that was what was normal to me, an activity just about every night that help me develop into the individual I am today.  Why as adults do we stop developing and just follow routine?

What is on the list this month of things I’m doing to keep myself busy and work on staying fit

Toning Trampoline Class at Rebound Fitness

Then indulge by taking a class where you will learn to make the most amazing truffles that you will lose all want to eat any other chocolate. 

Chocolate Truffle Making at Saveurs Cao

Once a week isn’t enough to keep your heart rate going. I use to do this once a week as part of my workout routine back in 2010. This is actually one of the most fulfilling and hardest workouts anyone can do. 

Pole Fit at Alternative Fitness

I just want to be able to make a cake that I don’t frost it with a butter knife. 

Cake Decorating at Micheals

This blog wouldn’t be fitting if I didn’t plan to include a trip to La Ronde

And I am still working on learning PLO. More studying than playing while my mind is trying to level out. 

I know I am going to get a few friends messaging me asking me why I didn’t call or reach out. When you can’t explain why you feel the way you do and when you know you are better off than majority of people in the world.  You live the life you wanted. What is there to ask for help about?